The Thing About Icebergs Is...

All right. All right. Let's get serious here. It's time to talk about some serious stuff. So I need you to put on your serious face. Wipe that cheesy grin off. All right. Here we go.
I hate soggy bread.
Honestly, is there anything more revolting on this planet? There is nothing worse than biting into your favorite sammich only to find that the bread...is...soggy. It's disgusting. It's nauseating. It's awful. Some people say, "just pick it off." No. No. This sandwich does not DESERVE for me to pick it off. This sandwich has failed me. I am breaking up with this sandwich. Goodbye, sandwich. Take your X-box and your crummy cd's and get outta here!
It's funny, our relationship with food. We depend on it. We love it. We can't live without it. But sometimes we HATE it. Bad food can just ruin your whole day, just ruin it!
Food can also help relationships with people. "Oh, man, I hate those guys, but they're makin' dinner, so...Yay!"
It's always kind of exciting, when a guy asks you to dinner, you know. "Ooh, let's go to Olive Garden and have some breadsticks!"

I don't have men who are "just friends." Unless they're gay. I love my gay men. Except when we go out and I all of a sudden find myself standing near a wall while they go after their "catch of the day." That sucks.

So back to relationships. Which is a funny word. It sounds like two people relating to each other on a boat.
I have, in the past, compared different kinds of relationships to different kinds of boats. I would like to do so again.

Paddle boats: The fun kind. You sit side-by-side, paddling away, it requires minimum effort, and is just plain relaxing.

Canoes: These require a little more effort, a little more synchronicity. And then if the canoe tips over, you're in deep...deep water, is what you're in.

Rowboats: Now, rowboats, are fine, as long as you're the one sitting under the parasol while the other person is rowing, maybe sitting there with your picnic basket, eating fried chicken or bon-bons or whatever, but if you're the one paddling, watch out. That is no fun.

Cruise ships: It is my belief that you can only be on cruise ships in relationships that are completely platonic, like a woman and a gay man, because ain't no way that any relationship that involves sex or romance is going to be as easy as floating around on a big-ass boat, listening to live music and gaining 20 pounds from the midnight buffet. Midnight buffet... "Yes, I'd like nine pieces of cheesecake to go with my ravioli and pizza." I went on a cruise with my family when I was 19, and when we left I didn't have hips or an ass, and now look at me!


One thing guys will do, instead of asking you to dinner, is asking you out for coffee. What is that? What is that going to lead to? I'll tell you what it's gonna lead to, it's gonna lead to me taking a dump in your apartment and blaming the smell on your dog.

Holiday Drunks

So... different kinds of things are expected at different holidays. We all have our own traditions. But what about our drinking traditions/expectations?

St. Patrick's Day, for example, usually consists of this kind of drinking:

1-Get Drunk
2-Be Somewhere.
3-Possibly Survive

Halloween:

1-Get Drunk
2-Be Somewhere
3-Nail Somebody Dressed As A Pop-Culture Reference

St. Valentine's Day:

1-Get Drunk
2-Be Somewhere
3-Call Former Partners And Scream The Lyrics To "Private Eyes" At Them.

Christmas:

1-Get Drunk (Or Wish You Were Drunk)
2-Stay In
3-Deal With Family BS With Or Without Liquid Protection

New Year's:

1-Get Drunk
2-BE Somewhere!!!
3-Constantly wonder if what you're doing is fabulous enough to ring in the new year respectably.