So I'm moving back in with my dad on January 1st. Hopefully it'll enable us to start a real California fund. Our biggest thing is that we need a new car.
I have a great Aunt who may let us live with her in Cali while we hunt for jobs and try and find an apartment in the L.A. area.
This might actually happen, folks! Keep everything crossed!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Aliens And Things...
First a disclaimer: I've had a crush on Jeff Goldblum since I was a little girl.
I just finished watching "Earth Girls Are Easy" for the first time.
The scene where he and Geena Davis shag for the first time is the sexiest sex scene I have ever seen.
No joke.
I just finished watching "Earth Girls Are Easy" for the first time.
The scene where he and Geena Davis shag for the first time is the sexiest sex scene I have ever seen.
No joke.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
And So It Goes, And So It Goes....
My phone is dead. Dead. Like, not running out of battery dead. Like, dead dead.
I'm having car troubles.
We're getting kicked out of our apartment. Effective January 1, 2011.
That is all for now.
I'm having car troubles.
We're getting kicked out of our apartment. Effective January 1, 2011.
That is all for now.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
On The Good Ship Relation...
So you know how, like, the word relationship means two people relating to each other on a boat? So have you ever thought about what kinds of boats you're on with different people? I have. Because I can't sleep at night. So here's what I've come up with. And each of these represents a specific person. (All men, because honestly, I've always liked them better anyway.) See if you can guess who!
Paddle Boat: We sit side by side, paddling away. It doesn't take much effort to paddle a paddle boat, see, so we never tire. And no one jumps out because really, who wants to jump out of a paddle boat? They're too much fun. We'll probably be paddling for the rest of our lives.
Row Boat: I sit on the bench with an umbrella over my head reading poetry while he rows. It's a bummer when it starts storming, but that's why you bring an umbrella.
Canoe #1: We've been in this little canoe for years, but he dropped the paddle long, long ago. I keep paddling, but it's a LOT of work.
Cruise Ship: Because there's a midnight buffet and champagne, and everyone looks fabulous! We'll be in this boat for a long time!
Canoe #2: We were rowing along, then he tipped the canoe over. When I came up for air, there was no one there. It's hard to paddle a canoe alone...time to get a kayak.
Paddle Boat: We sit side by side, paddling away. It doesn't take much effort to paddle a paddle boat, see, so we never tire. And no one jumps out because really, who wants to jump out of a paddle boat? They're too much fun. We'll probably be paddling for the rest of our lives.
Row Boat: I sit on the bench with an umbrella over my head reading poetry while he rows. It's a bummer when it starts storming, but that's why you bring an umbrella.
Canoe #1: We've been in this little canoe for years, but he dropped the paddle long, long ago. I keep paddling, but it's a LOT of work.
Cruise Ship: Because there's a midnight buffet and champagne, and everyone looks fabulous! We'll be in this boat for a long time!
Canoe #2: We were rowing along, then he tipped the canoe over. When I came up for air, there was no one there. It's hard to paddle a canoe alone...time to get a kayak.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Touch The Lightbulb, Dancing Turkey
Thanksgiving this year was awesomely fun! I cooked a lot, drank a lot of wine, and had my first Bloody Mary. All of my dishes were a huge hit, which made me happy, and I got to go to every single event this year. (Bless my absence of a schedule.) I played lots of games with family, cooked with my mom and sisters, went to lefse night, made it to three dinners, and I have one more to go!
So Ryan Merrill sent me this list via text message and it had us all laughing, so I thought I'd share:
DIRTY THINGS SAID AT THANKSGIVING:
1- "Talk about a huge breast!"
2- "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
3- "It's Cool-Whip time!"
4- "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
5- "That's one terrific spread."
6- "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
7- "Are you ready for seconds yet?"
8- "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
9- "Just wait your turn, you'll get some."
10- "Don't play with your meat."
11- "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
12- "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
13- "I didn't expect everyone to come at once."
14- "You still have a little bit on your chin."
15- "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
16- "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
Happy holidays everyone!
So Ryan Merrill sent me this list via text message and it had us all laughing, so I thought I'd share:
DIRTY THINGS SAID AT THANKSGIVING:
1- "Talk about a huge breast!"
2- "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
3- "It's Cool-Whip time!"
4- "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
5- "That's one terrific spread."
6- "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
7- "Are you ready for seconds yet?"
8- "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
9- "Just wait your turn, you'll get some."
10- "Don't play with your meat."
11- "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
12- "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
13- "I didn't expect everyone to come at once."
14- "You still have a little bit on your chin."
15- "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
16- "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
Happy holidays everyone!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Salt Lake Tribune Article.
So, since my daddy is like, this awesome psychiatrist, the Trib asked for his opinion on whether or not human sexuality can be changed. Unfortunately, since he does a lot of business with the LDS community, he couldn't use his own name, so he used mine. I thought the article was hilarious. Very dry and sarcastic. So here it is:
Are problematic sexual urges curable? Of course, if you don’t care about the other effects on the person’s soul. For an excellent guide on how to cure unwanted sexual orientation, there’s a detailed description of a very effective, if not humane, technique implemented by Big Brother in George Orwell’s novel 1984.
Through a prolonged regimen of systematic beatings and psychologically draining interrogation by the Thought Police, Winston Smith is re-educated so that he no longer loves Julia (“After that, you don’t feel the same toward the other person any longer”) or eagerly wants to know about the true past; he now loves only Big Brother.
Since the process worked on heterosexual couples, it’s sure to work on homosexuals, too!
Elise Hanson
Draper
Are problematic sexual urges curable? Of course, if you don’t care about the other effects on the person’s soul. For an excellent guide on how to cure unwanted sexual orientation, there’s a detailed description of a very effective, if not humane, technique implemented by Big Brother in George Orwell’s novel 1984.
Through a prolonged regimen of systematic beatings and psychologically draining interrogation by the Thought Police, Winston Smith is re-educated so that he no longer loves Julia (“After that, you don’t feel the same toward the other person any longer”) or eagerly wants to know about the true past; he now loves only Big Brother.
Since the process worked on heterosexual couples, it’s sure to work on homosexuals, too!
Elise Hanson
Draper
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Truths For Mature Humans.
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger
4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories
11. You never now when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection.... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this-ever
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? ****), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.
20. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
21. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
22. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger
23. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
24. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far
26. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists
27. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is
28. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey, but I'd bet that everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger
4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories
11. You never now when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection.... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this-ever
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? ****), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.
20. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
21. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
22. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger
23. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
24. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far
26. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists
27. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is
28. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey, but I'd bet that everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
My Cat
Her name is Hermione.
She's obsessed with pencils, windows, and tweezers.
She sits on my lap when I type.
When I take a shower she sits outside the curtain and talks to me about her day.
She's a daddy's girl. But she knows I'm the boss.
She asks me questions, and then when I answer her, she shuts up.
She likes her cat food better than tuna, and she loves Cheerios and Cheezits.
She likes to touch my face with her paws. A lot.
She has this cute little belly fat flap.
She loves to watch tv while sitting back on her haunches.
She hates Meat Loaf but she loves techno and rap. I'm trying to fix this.
She's my baby.
She's obsessed with pencils, windows, and tweezers.
She sits on my lap when I type.
When I take a shower she sits outside the curtain and talks to me about her day.
She's a daddy's girl. But she knows I'm the boss.
She asks me questions, and then when I answer her, she shuts up.
She likes her cat food better than tuna, and she loves Cheerios and Cheezits.
She likes to touch my face with her paws. A lot.
She has this cute little belly fat flap.
She loves to watch tv while sitting back on her haunches.
She hates Meat Loaf but she loves techno and rap. I'm trying to fix this.
She's my baby.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend. (I mean, I'm going to anyway, but don't expect it....)
I stopped sending flowers to your apartment
You said you aren't home much anymore
I stopped dropping by without an appointment
Cause I'd hear laughter coming through your door.
Sometimes late at night you'll still call me
Just before you close your eyes to sleep
You make me vow to try and stop by sometime
Baby that's a promise I can't keep.
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So lets just let the story kinda end
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So don't expect me to be your friend.
I don't walk down through the village or other places
That we used to go to all the time
I'm trying to erase you from my memory
Cause thinking of you jumbles up my mind.
You always act so happy when I see you
You smile that way you take my hand and then
Introduce me to your latest lover
That's when I feel the walls start crashing in.
You said you aren't home much anymore
I stopped dropping by without an appointment
Cause I'd hear laughter coming through your door.
Sometimes late at night you'll still call me
Just before you close your eyes to sleep
You make me vow to try and stop by sometime
Baby that's a promise I can't keep.
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So lets just let the story kinda end
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So don't expect me to be your friend.
I don't walk down through the village or other places
That we used to go to all the time
I'm trying to erase you from my memory
Cause thinking of you jumbles up my mind.
You always act so happy when I see you
You smile that way you take my hand and then
Introduce me to your latest lover
That's when I feel the walls start crashing in.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Some Ispirational Quotes From Actors. (And Some Others)
"There are two types of actors: those who say they want to
be famous and those who are liars." ~ Kevin Bacon
"It's okay to act as if you have modest goals. Just don't
buy into your own act." ~ Bob Fraser
"I'm a skilled professional actor. Whether or not I've any
talent is beside the point." ~ Michael Caine
"Those who believe that it's all about talent, looks or luck
are unlikely to take the time to develop a professional's
skills." ~ Nicole Kidman
"Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people
from coughing." ~ Sir Ralph Richardson
"It's all about the customers (whom we insist on calling an
audience... I guess because we 'play' the king once in
awhile)." ~ Bob Fraser
"Just say the gags and don't bump into the furniture."
~ Spencer Tracy
"You are a person. You are acting the part of a person
(generally). Don't insist on making it into something
mysterious." ~ Jared Larkin
"Do your part and ask for your compensation. But in that
order." ~ Cary Grant
"If you are a professional, you should expect to get paid."
~ Mike Brown
"Who told me not to fly, I've simply got to. . If I take a
spill, it's me and not you. Who told you you're allowed to
rain on my parade?" ~ Lyrics from Funny Girl
"If you insist on listening to other people's assessment of
your dream, your dream will never become a reality." ~ Elise Hanson
"Make a way out of no way." ~ Halle Berry
"If opportunity isn't knocking, build a door." ~ Milton Berle
"The obstacle is the path." ~ Buddha
"My feeling about fear is, if you give in to your fears, they
come true. I'm superstitious enough to believe that."
~ Meryl Streep
"Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself." ~ Jeanne Moreau
"Acting is happy agony." ~ Sir Alec Guiness
be famous and those who are liars." ~ Kevin Bacon
"It's okay to act as if you have modest goals. Just don't
buy into your own act." ~ Bob Fraser
"I'm a skilled professional actor. Whether or not I've any
talent is beside the point." ~ Michael Caine
"Those who believe that it's all about talent, looks or luck
are unlikely to take the time to develop a professional's
skills." ~ Nicole Kidman
"Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people
from coughing." ~ Sir Ralph Richardson
"It's all about the customers (whom we insist on calling an
audience... I guess because we 'play' the king once in
awhile)." ~ Bob Fraser
"Just say the gags and don't bump into the furniture."
~ Spencer Tracy
"You are a person. You are acting the part of a person
(generally). Don't insist on making it into something
mysterious." ~ Jared Larkin
"Do your part and ask for your compensation. But in that
order." ~ Cary Grant
"If you are a professional, you should expect to get paid."
~ Mike Brown
"Who told me not to fly, I've simply got to. . If I take a
spill, it's me and not you. Who told you you're allowed to
rain on my parade?" ~ Lyrics from Funny Girl
"If you insist on listening to other people's assessment of
your dream, your dream will never become a reality." ~ Elise Hanson
"Make a way out of no way." ~ Halle Berry
"If opportunity isn't knocking, build a door." ~ Milton Berle
"The obstacle is the path." ~ Buddha
"My feeling about fear is, if you give in to your fears, they
come true. I'm superstitious enough to believe that."
~ Meryl Streep
"Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself." ~ Jeanne Moreau
"Acting is happy agony." ~ Sir Alec Guiness
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Some of My Favorite Dialogue EVER....
MRS HIGGINS: This is appalling. I should not have thrown my slippers at him. I would have thrown the fire-irons. (There is a knock at the door.)
ELIZA: Who's that?
MRS HIGGINS: Henry. I knew it wouldn't be too long. Now, remember: you not only danced with a prince last night, you behaved like a princess.
PROF HIGGINS: Mother, the most confounded thing--do you...YOU!
ELIZA: Good afternoon, Professor Higgins, are you quite well? Of course you are. You are never ill. Would you care for some tea?
PROF HIGGINS: Don't you dare try that game on me, I taught it to you! Get up, come home, and stop being a fool. You've caused me enough trouble.
MRS HIGGINS: Very nicely put indeed, Henry. No woman could resist such an invitation.
PROF HIGGINS: Well how did this baggage get here?
MRS HIGGINS: Eliza came to see me this morning and I was delighted to have her. If you don't promise to behave yourself I'll ask you to leave.
PROF HIGGINS: I'm to put on my manners for this thing that I created out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Convent Garden?
MRS HIGGINS: That is precisely what I mean.
PROF HIGGINS: I'll see her damned first.
MRS HIGGINS: However did you learn good manners with my son around?
ELIZA: It was very difficult. I should never have learned how ladies and gentlemen behaved if it wasn't for Colonel Pickering. He showed me that he felt and thought about me as though I was something better than a common flower girl. You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from what one can pick up, the difference between a lady and a flower girl isn't how she behaves but how she is treated. I'll always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins because he always treats me as a flower girl and always will. But I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering because he always treats me as a lady and always will.
MRS HIGGINS: Henry, don't grind your teeth. (Maid enters.)
MAID: The bishop is here. Shall I show him into the garden.
MRS HIGGINS: The bishop and the professor, heavens no, I shall be excommunicated! I'll see him in the library. (She begins to exit) Eliza, if my son starts breaking up things, I give you full permission to have him evicted. Henry, I suggest you stick to two subjects: the weather, and your health. (She exits.)
PROF HIGGINS: You've had a bit of your own back, as you say. Have you had enough and will you be reasonable or do you want more?
ELIZA: You want me back only to bring you your slippers and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.
PROF HIGGINS: I didn't say I wanted you back at all.
ELIZA: Then what are we talking about?
PROF HIGGINS: Well, we're talking about you, not about me. If you come back you'll be treated as you always have. I can't change my nature or my manners. My manners. My manners are exactly the same as Colonel Pickering's!
ELIZA: That's not true, he treats a flower girl as if she were a duchess!
PROF HIGGINS: And I treat a duchess as if she were a flower girl.
ELIZA: I see, the same to everybody.
PROF HIGGINS: Yes, the great secret is not a question of good manners or bad manners, or any particular sort of manner, but having the same manner for all human souls. The question is not whether I treat you rudely, but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better.
ELIZA: I don't care how you treat me, I don't mind your swearing at me, I shouldn't mind a black eye, I've had one before this; but I won't be passed over.
PROF HIGGINS: You talk about me as if I were a motorbus.
ELIZA: So you are a motorbus. All bounce and go and no consideration for anybody. But I can get along without you. Don't you think I can't!
PROF HIGGINS: I know you can, I told you you could. You've never wondered, I suppose, whether--whether I could get along without you.
ELIZA: Don't you try to get around me, you'll have to.
PROF HIGGINS: So I can, without you or any other soul on earth! (Slight pause.) But I shall miss you, Eliza. I've learned something from your idiotic notions. I admit that humbly and gratefully.
ELIZA: Well, you have my voice on your gramophone. Whenever you feel lonely without me you can turn it on. It has no feelings to hurt.
PROF HIGGINS: I can't turn your soul on.
ELIZA: Ooh, you are a devil. You can twist the arm of a girl just as easily as some can twist her arms to hurt her. What am I to come back for?
PROF HIGGINS: For the fun of it, that's why I took you on!
ELIZA: You may throw me out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want.
PROF HGGINS: Yes, and you may walk out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want.
ELIZA: And live with my father?
PROF HIGGINS: Yes, and sell flowers. Or would you rather marry Pickering?
ELIZA: I wouldn't marry you if you asked me and you're nearer to my age than what he is.
PROF HIGGINS: Than he is.
ELIZA: I'll talk as I like, you're not my teacher. That's not what I want and don't you think it is. I've had chaps enough wanting me that way. Freddy Hill writes me twice and three times a day, sheets and sheets.
PROF HIGGINS: In short, you want me to be as infatuated as he is about you, is that it?
ELIZA: No, that's not the sort of feeling I want from you. I want a little kindness. I know I'm a common, ignorant girl and you're a book-learned gentleman, but I'm not dirt under your feet. What I done--what I did was not for the taxis and the dresses, but because we were pleasant together and I come to--came--to care for you. Not to want you to make love to me, and not forgetting the differences between us, but more friendly-like.
PROF HIGGINS: Well, of course. That's how I feel. And how Pickering feels. Eliza, you're a fool!
ELIZA: That's not the proper answer to give me!
PROF HIGGINS: It's the only proper answer til you stop being an idiot. To be a lady, you must feeling neglected if men don't spend half their time sniveling at you and the other half giving you black eyes. You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish, don't you. Off with you to the sort of people you like--marry a sentimental hog with lots of money and a thick pair of lips to kiss you with and a thick pair of boots to kick you with. If you can't appreciate what you have, go and get what you can appreciate.
ELIZA: I can't talk to you. You always turn everything against me, I'm always in the wrong. Don't be too sure you have me under your feet to be trampled and talked down. I'll marry Freddy, I will, as soon as I'm able to support him.
PROF HIGGINS: Marry Freddy? That poor devil who couldn't get a job as an errand boy even if he had the guts to try for it? Don't you understand, I've made you a consort for a king!
ELIZA: Freddy loves me, that makes him king enough for me. I don't want him to work, he wasn't brought up to work as I was. I'll be a teacher.
PROF HIGGINS: What will you teach, in heaven's name?
ELIZA: What you taught me, I'll teach phonetics. I'll offer myself as an assistant to that brilliant Hungarian!
PROF HIGGINS: What, that impostor? That humbug? That toadying ignoramus? Teach him my methods, my discoveries? You take one step in that direction and I'll wring your neck--
ELIZA: Wring away, what do I care? I knew you'd strike me one day! (Pause.) Now, that's done you, 'Enry 'Iggins it 'as, now I don't care that for your bullyin' and your big talk. What a fool I was! What a dominated fool, to think you were the earth and sky. What a fool I was, what an addle-pated fool, what a mutton-headed dolt was I! No, my reverberating friend, you are not the beginning and the end.
PROF HIGGINS: You impudent hussy! There's not an idea in your head or a word in your mouth that I haven't put there!
ELIZA: There'll be spring every year without you, England still will be here without you--there'll be fruit on the tree, and a shore by the sea, there'll be crumpets and tea without you! Art and music will thrive without you, somehow Keats will survive without you. And there still will be rain on that plain down in Spain, even that will remain without you. I can do without you. You, dear friend, who talk so well, you can go to Hartford, Hereford, and Hampshire. They can still rule the land without you. Windsor Castle will stand without you. And without much ado we can all muddle through without you!
PROF HIGGINS: You brazen hussy!
ELIZA: Without your pulling it, the tide comes in. Without your twirling it, the earth can spin. Without your pushing them, the clouds roll by. If they can do without you, ducky, so can I! I shall not feel alone without you. I can stand on my own without you. So go back in your shell, I can do bloody well without--
PROF HIGGINS: BY George, I really did it! I did it, I did it, I said I'd make a woman and indeed I did. I knew that I could do it. I knew it, I knew it. I said I'd make a woman and succeed I did! Eliza, you're magnificent! Five minutes ago you were a millstone 'round my neck and now you're a tower of strength, a consort battleship! I like you this way.
ELIZA: Goodbye, Professor Higgins. You will not be seeing me again. (She exits.)
PROF HIGGINS: MOTHER! MOTHER! MOTHER!
MRS HIGGINS: What is it, Henry? What's happened?
PROF HIGGINS: She's gone.
MRS HIGGINS: Well of course, dear. What did you expect?
PROF HIGGINS: What am I to do?
MRS HIGGINS: Do without, I suppose.
PROF HIGGINS: And so I shall! If the Higgins oxygen burns up her little lungs, let her seek some stuffiness that suits her. She's an owl sickened by a few days of my sunshine. Let her go, I can do without her, I have my own soul. My own spark of divine fire! (He exits.)
MRS HIGGINS: Bravo, Eliza.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Dammit, I'm Dreaming!
Here's a 'golden oldie' ...
One of the big downsides of choosing to earn our living
as actors is the sheer number of people we meet who think
we should just give it up. Quit. Throw in the towel.
You know, when your friends look at you like you're nuts,
or when your family or significant other starts talking
to you, quietly, about considering another line of work.
There are even teachers, coaches and authors of 'helpful'
books who eagerly tell you, that what you are doing with
your life is a "crazy dream" (as if they knew you well
enough to have an opinion).
Something I've learned lately is, if you listen to these people - you are not
going to get where you want to go.
Here are a few folks one should listen to instead:
"Don't tell me not to fly, I've simply got to. If I take
a spill, it's me and not you. Who told you you're allowed
to rain on my parade?" ~ Lyrics from Funny Girl
"How much time he saves who does not look to see what his
neighbor says - or does- or thinks." ~ Marcus Aurelius
"Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin anyone who
wants to be ruined." ~ Josh Billings
This is what these pretty smart people are saying about
listening to other people with regard to your dream: It's
me, not you. Who cares what you think? You can only ruin
this if I let you.
Those people, the ones who are telling you to give it
up, may be perfectly well-intentioned - they don't want
to see you get hurt, let's say - or they just want to
make sure that you make a safe choice like grabbing a
good spot challenging world of retail shoe sales.
Or, maybe they're just mean-spirited bozos with nothing
better to do with their time. Their own lives are a big
disaster but they can't bother trying to fix it, so they
have the time to explain the 'facts of life' to you.
But this is MY decision.
This is MY life.
I am the one who has to DO what has to be done.
I know, more than ever now, that you should never confuse
someone else's beliefs (often wrongly called thoughts)
for your own.
Okay! Now that we've gotten past all the people who are
standing in our way - we're ready to 'go for the gold'
... right?
Not so fast.
There is one other person who simply refuses to get out
of your way.
Oh yeah -- it's YOU!
Yes, the only person who can stop you from realizing
your dream is YOU.
Do you know why you're the last person standing in your
own way?
Psychiatrists have loads of different answers to that
question but I only have one: We tend to stand in our
own way because we're afraid.
What are we afraid of?
A lot of things: Failure. Rejection. Success. Finding
out what other people think of us. Being wrong. Being
laughed at. Being the goat.
All of these fears and lots of others are all out there
waiting for us - but, in my not so humble opinion what
we're really afraid of ... what really keeps us from the
success we want - what builds those 'insurmountable'
walls of fear is ... CHANGE.
Human beings don't like change.
We try to play it 'safe.'
For instance, we often fall into a comfortable routine
of acting classes, showcases, and relationships with
people who never examine, question or challenge our
predetermined beliefs.
To be blunt, our careers fall into a rut. Our headshot
is 2 years old. We keep jobs we hate in order to pay for
our 'habit.' We've seen the inside of more dingy little
theatres than a 100-year-old fire inspector.
We keep doing it this way because we don't like change.
But, if we don't change, guess what? We are going to end
up like Wile E. Coyote, constantly buying into the latest
Acme product and hoping that this new gimmick will work.
And like that crazy coyote, we generally end up going over
the cliff - ker-flop - onto the canyon floor.
It gets old, real fast.
We all know, instinctively, what our behavior really means:
Actors who keep doing the same thing over and over again,
expecting to get different results, probably needs the help
of a mental health professional.
We insist on using a headshot that isn't working (getting
us called in) and keep moaning about the behavior of agents
and casting directors.
Look, no matter what you've been told, it's NOT a numbers
game ... it's a face game.
Or we go to 'industry parties' - networking like a frantic
insurance salesman at a retirement village.
Unfortunately, actors are
rarely hired at parties - unless they are already a known
commodity - or they're really selling 'companionship.'
Or we do unpaid gig after unpaid gig, hoping against hope
that Spielberg will show up one lucky night and carry us
away to the stardom we so richly deserve (because we want
it so much).
Always remember the ladder concept when it comes to success -
one step at a time. Bottom line? There are no shortcuts to
anywhere worth going.
After a couple of years of this merry-go-round, we get weary.
Unfortunately this weariness tends to make us cynical. (It's
the path of least resistance.)
The irony here is that this weary cynicism - which we take
on without complaint - is ... (wait for it) ... CHANGE.
Unfortunately, THAT kind of change will cost you your love
of what you do. It will also cost us our commitment to our
goal, our self respect, and - worst of all - the company
of actors who know cynicism (and associating with cynics)
can be a career killer.
My opinion? If you want better (different) results, you have
to get comfortable with CHANGE.
Because, not to put too fine a point on it, change IS going
to happen ... whether you like it or not.
One of the big downsides of choosing to earn our living
as actors is the sheer number of people we meet who think
we should just give it up. Quit. Throw in the towel.
You know, when your friends look at you like you're nuts,
or when your family or significant other starts talking
to you, quietly, about considering another line of work.
There are even teachers, coaches and authors of 'helpful'
books who eagerly tell you, that what you are doing with
your life is a "crazy dream" (as if they knew you well
enough to have an opinion).
Something I've learned lately is, if you listen to these people - you are not
going to get where you want to go.
Here are a few folks one should listen to instead:
"Don't tell me not to fly, I've simply got to. If I take
a spill, it's me and not you. Who told you you're allowed
to rain on my parade?" ~ Lyrics from Funny Girl
"How much time he saves who does not look to see what his
neighbor says - or does- or thinks." ~ Marcus Aurelius
"Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin anyone who
wants to be ruined." ~ Josh Billings
This is what these pretty smart people are saying about
listening to other people with regard to your dream: It's
me, not you. Who cares what you think? You can only ruin
this if I let you.
Those people, the ones who are telling you to give it
up, may be perfectly well-intentioned - they don't want
to see you get hurt, let's say - or they just want to
make sure that you make a safe choice like grabbing a
good spot challenging world of retail shoe sales.
Or, maybe they're just mean-spirited bozos with nothing
better to do with their time. Their own lives are a big
disaster but they can't bother trying to fix it, so they
have the time to explain the 'facts of life' to you.
But this is MY decision.
This is MY life.
I am the one who has to DO what has to be done.
I know, more than ever now, that you should never confuse
someone else's beliefs (often wrongly called thoughts)
for your own.
Okay! Now that we've gotten past all the people who are
standing in our way - we're ready to 'go for the gold'
... right?
Not so fast.
There is one other person who simply refuses to get out
of your way.
Oh yeah -- it's YOU!
Yes, the only person who can stop you from realizing
your dream is YOU.
Do you know why you're the last person standing in your
own way?
Psychiatrists have loads of different answers to that
question but I only have one: We tend to stand in our
own way because we're afraid.
What are we afraid of?
A lot of things: Failure. Rejection. Success. Finding
out what other people think of us. Being wrong. Being
laughed at. Being the goat.
All of these fears and lots of others are all out there
waiting for us - but, in my not so humble opinion what
we're really afraid of ... what really keeps us from the
success we want - what builds those 'insurmountable'
walls of fear is ... CHANGE.
Human beings don't like change.
We try to play it 'safe.'
For instance, we often fall into a comfortable routine
of acting classes, showcases, and relationships with
people who never examine, question or challenge our
predetermined beliefs.
To be blunt, our careers fall into a rut. Our headshot
is 2 years old. We keep jobs we hate in order to pay for
our 'habit.' We've seen the inside of more dingy little
theatres than a 100-year-old fire inspector.
We keep doing it this way because we don't like change.
But, if we don't change, guess what? We are going to end
up like Wile E. Coyote, constantly buying into the latest
Acme product and hoping that this new gimmick will work.
And like that crazy coyote, we generally end up going over
the cliff - ker-flop - onto the canyon floor.
It gets old, real fast.
We all know, instinctively, what our behavior really means:
Actors who keep doing the same thing over and over again,
expecting to get different results, probably needs the help
of a mental health professional.
We insist on using a headshot that isn't working (getting
us called in) and keep moaning about the behavior of agents
and casting directors.
Look, no matter what you've been told, it's NOT a numbers
game ... it's a face game.
Or we go to 'industry parties' - networking like a frantic
insurance salesman at a retirement village.
Unfortunately, actors are
rarely hired at parties - unless they are already a known
commodity - or they're really selling 'companionship.'
Or we do unpaid gig after unpaid gig, hoping against hope
that Spielberg will show up one lucky night and carry us
away to the stardom we so richly deserve (because we want
it so much).
Always remember the ladder concept when it comes to success -
one step at a time. Bottom line? There are no shortcuts to
anywhere worth going.
After a couple of years of this merry-go-round, we get weary.
Unfortunately this weariness tends to make us cynical. (It's
the path of least resistance.)
The irony here is that this weary cynicism - which we take
on without complaint - is ... (wait for it) ... CHANGE.
Unfortunately, THAT kind of change will cost you your love
of what you do. It will also cost us our commitment to our
goal, our self respect, and - worst of all - the company
of actors who know cynicism (and associating with cynics)
can be a career killer.
My opinion? If you want better (different) results, you have
to get comfortable with CHANGE.
Because, not to put too fine a point on it, change IS going
to happen ... whether you like it or not.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Dreams Never Die....They Just Morph.
When I was in high school almost every
kid I knew had a dream of succeeding in their working lives.
Some wanted to be doctors, others pictured a career in the law,
and some hardy souls still clung to their childhood fantasies of
being firemen or nurses.
And then there were we few, we proud, we happily dysfunctional -
who longed to be in the limelight.
Theatre kids.
I, of course, was in this latter group. As well as many others.
Well the incipient doctors, lawyers, firemen, cops and nurses
had a well defined path to follow. More school - where, over
time, their training and certification would lead them to the
fulfillment of their dreams - and a paying job.
We who dreamed of acting for a living, on the other hand, were
sent out into the world without a road map or compass, left to
our own devices, and frequently told by a fairly large number
of "well-wishers" that we "don't stand a snowball's chance in
hell."
But our dreams were ours, grandiose as they might have been,
and we were bound and determined to see them through. Despite
the warnings of failure, frustration, futility, and poverty -
most of us eventually made our way to the 'big city' in pursuit
of that fabled 'red carpet' and riches beyond compare. It was
on those mean streets that our dreams were tested and tried.
Now, some of us have concluded that the dream has died or is,
at the very least, on life support.
That's not really the truth (in my opinion).
The truth is that dreams rarely die. But, oh, how they change.
For instance, it's a well-known fact that not a few directors,
producers, casting directors and (God help us) DMV employees,
came to L.A. to act.
Along the way they discovered that the rejection - which is
an inherent part of a professional acting career - was just
too much to handle.
(I'm sure we all understand that feeling.)
So, they adjusted their dream - to conform closer to reality.
Many casting directors are actors who came to realize that they
loved watching other actors as much as acting itself. They found
that discovering a wonderful actor was almost as good as their
original dream - and so, they re-tuned their plans and desires.
Almost every director originally started the journey as an actor -
then found out that bossing actors around was pretty good too.
And, let's face it, "auteur" sounds much better than "thesp."
Many producers got 'the bug,' under the greasepaint - but soon
discovered that putting on a show had many of the same pleasures
and rewards as emoting themselves ... and so they zigged, instead
of zagging.
Not to mention the numberless electricians, carpenters, special
effects wizards and camera folks whose original goal was a career
"on the boards."
I'd be willing to bet you a cheap lunch that if you scratch the
surface of almost anyone working in Hollywood today, in almost
any capacity, you will find a dreamer who started with an itch
to be in the spotlight.
But we humans are an adaptable lot, and when whimsy meets the
grocery bill - we tend to accept 'reality' and (dare I say it)
settle.
The irony is that you'll also find many successful actors whose
original dreams had nothing to do with amusing the groundlings.
For instance, Denzel Washington studied journalism, Doris Day
was determined to be a veterinarian, Robert Redford wanted to
be a painter, and John Wayne was just looking for a summer job
to pay for college, so he could continue to play football.
All Julia Roberts wanted was live in New York City. And though
she had the height for modeling, when Seventh Avenue rejected
her - she turned to acting. (Mainly because her brother was an
actor.)
Clint Eastwood's dream was to become a jazz musician - a dream
that only came to fruition after he became a movie star and an
award-winning director.
In fact, my extensive reading of actors' biographies has led me
to the conclusion that many actors, who started with other goals
on their minds, were often more successful than those of us who
spent our every waking moment plotting, planning and pursuing
he dream of stardom with the persistence of Sysyphus.
What does all this mean?
I don't have a freakin' clue.
I've never understood things like destiny, karma, fate, or the
Bernoulli effect.
I do have a vague notion that no matter what you dream of doing,
circumstances will eventually force you to DO something - and
when you start to DO things... well, life takes on a life of its
own.
Above all, it seems crystal clear that dreams never really die -
they simply mutate.
In other words, worrying away at your dream is probably futile.
So it's probably a good idea to keep in mind the words of Douglas
Adams who said it so well: "Don't Panic."
But ... DO SOMETHING.
kid I knew had a dream of succeeding in their working lives.
Some wanted to be doctors, others pictured a career in the law,
and some hardy souls still clung to their childhood fantasies of
being firemen or nurses.
And then there were we few, we proud, we happily dysfunctional -
who longed to be in the limelight.
Theatre kids.
I, of course, was in this latter group. As well as many others.
Well the incipient doctors, lawyers, firemen, cops and nurses
had a well defined path to follow. More school - where, over
time, their training and certification would lead them to the
fulfillment of their dreams - and a paying job.
We who dreamed of acting for a living, on the other hand, were
sent out into the world without a road map or compass, left to
our own devices, and frequently told by a fairly large number
of "well-wishers" that we "don't stand a snowball's chance in
hell."
But our dreams were ours, grandiose as they might have been,
and we were bound and determined to see them through. Despite
the warnings of failure, frustration, futility, and poverty -
most of us eventually made our way to the 'big city' in pursuit
of that fabled 'red carpet' and riches beyond compare. It was
on those mean streets that our dreams were tested and tried.
Now, some of us have concluded that the dream has died or is,
at the very least, on life support.
That's not really the truth (in my opinion).
The truth is that dreams rarely die. But, oh, how they change.
For instance, it's a well-known fact that not a few directors,
producers, casting directors and (God help us) DMV employees,
came to L.A. to act.
Along the way they discovered that the rejection - which is
an inherent part of a professional acting career - was just
too much to handle.
(I'm sure we all understand that feeling.)
So, they adjusted their dream - to conform closer to reality.
Many casting directors are actors who came to realize that they
loved watching other actors as much as acting itself. They found
that discovering a wonderful actor was almost as good as their
original dream - and so, they re-tuned their plans and desires.
Almost every director originally started the journey as an actor -
then found out that bossing actors around was pretty good too.
And, let's face it, "auteur" sounds much better than "thesp."
Many producers got 'the bug,' under the greasepaint - but soon
discovered that putting on a show had many of the same pleasures
and rewards as emoting themselves ... and so they zigged, instead
of zagging.
Not to mention the numberless electricians, carpenters, special
effects wizards and camera folks whose original goal was a career
"on the boards."
I'd be willing to bet you a cheap lunch that if you scratch the
surface of almost anyone working in Hollywood today, in almost
any capacity, you will find a dreamer who started with an itch
to be in the spotlight.
But we humans are an adaptable lot, and when whimsy meets the
grocery bill - we tend to accept 'reality' and (dare I say it)
settle.
The irony is that you'll also find many successful actors whose
original dreams had nothing to do with amusing the groundlings.
For instance, Denzel Washington studied journalism, Doris Day
was determined to be a veterinarian, Robert Redford wanted to
be a painter, and John Wayne was just looking for a summer job
to pay for college, so he could continue to play football.
All Julia Roberts wanted was live in New York City. And though
she had the height for modeling, when Seventh Avenue rejected
her - she turned to acting. (Mainly because her brother was an
actor.)
Clint Eastwood's dream was to become a jazz musician - a dream
that only came to fruition after he became a movie star and an
award-winning director.
In fact, my extensive reading of actors' biographies has led me
to the conclusion that many actors, who started with other goals
on their minds, were often more successful than those of us who
spent our every waking moment plotting, planning and pursuing
he dream of stardom with the persistence of Sysyphus.
What does all this mean?
I don't have a freakin' clue.
I've never understood things like destiny, karma, fate, or the
Bernoulli effect.
I do have a vague notion that no matter what you dream of doing,
circumstances will eventually force you to DO something - and
when you start to DO things... well, life takes on a life of its
own.
Above all, it seems crystal clear that dreams never really die -
they simply mutate.
In other words, worrying away at your dream is probably futile.
So it's probably a good idea to keep in mind the words of Douglas
Adams who said it so well: "Don't Panic."
But ... DO SOMETHING.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Conversations With an Asshole.
Proof that I can charm even the douchiest of douche bags. Even when I've never met them.
It all started with a girlfriend's post...
Jordan Dunn: Wow boys, I thought I was supposed to be the dramatic one.
*
Rutger Semp: THAT'S SUCH A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY, GENERALIZING ALL MEN LIKE THAT.
*
Rutger Semp: HOW COULD YOU, I AM VERY VERY OFFENDED BY THAT
*
Rutger Semp: I WANT, NO I DEMAND AN APOLOGY, ON BEHALF OF ALL MALES
*
Rutger Semp: I AM HURT, HURT IN MY HEART.
*
Tawni Lofgren: Well. My eyes, sanity, sense of respect and my good mood are all quite injured by your inability to turn capslock off, or to pick your pinky finger off the shift button. Either one. And I demand an apology on behalf of all lowercase letters.
*
Rutger Semp: Your case failed when the first thing you did was use a capital W.
*
Tawni Lofgren: I was using proper grammar. Capital letters have their place: at the beginning of names and sentences. Not as every letter in the word.
*
Jordan Dunn: Bahahaha! That was not a generalization... I was talking to multiple boys, not ALL boys.
*
Rutger Semp: Tawni, you're like that red squiggly line in a word processor; knows exactly what's wrong with a word, but couldn't grasp the point of the sentence if your life depended on it. My previous posts were of humorous intent, since the "dramatic" types have a tendency to reach for the cruise-control.
*
Rutger Semp: PS: I use my ring finger for shit. So ha.
*
Rutger Semp: Err, shift. Well shit too, but shit, who gives a shit.
*
Jordan Dunn: Lol This might have been my favorite conversation I've ever started on facebook!
*
Tawni Lofgren: D8 I'm a red squiggly!
PS: I know that you were being funny. I was trying to be humorous in my response, but I guess I didn't add enough emoticons to let you know I wasn't serious.
*
Rutger Semp: Actually the sad truth is that there are too many people out there who would be completely serious about a post like that..
*
Tawni Lofgren:
Which I understand. If this was a normal blog, and you were some person that not even a friend of a friend knew, and they were seriously offended by Jordan's comment, they would have gone berserk and actually caplock rant. If that were the ...case, I would have been totally serious about my rant.
And Jordan, I'm glad that I've made your day better.
*
Corbin Edginton: i love jordan!
*
Elise C. Hanson: It's true, boys are always more dramatic and moody than girls. At least, in my experience. And I've had A LOT of experience.
*
Jordan Dunn: Lol! Yes i'm learning that right now. It's kinda throwing me off a little.
*
Elise C. Hanson: I'm also going to teach you something that will come in very handy all through your life: men are babies.
*
Rutger Semp: Not all of us are. It's just that all the nice cool ones are too shy to be noticed
*
Elise C. Hanson: Another tip: "nice, shy" guys are boring.
*
Rutger Semp: So you're complaining we're no good, when we do what you want us to. I see, well if that's what you want, let me be the first tell you I had severe doubts about these "lots" of experience once I saw your picture
*(Upon changing my profile pic to something totally hot.)
Elise C. Hanson: How 'bout now?
*
Rutger Semp: Putting stuff on your face and desaturating the picture doesn't make you look better, sorry
*
Elise C. Hanson: Rutger, darling, I've just been looking through your pictures, and I have to say, judging by what you've said on this post, you don't have the personality to make up for your repugnant mien, so heaven help you when it comes to women. As it is, I have had a lot of experience, both with men and women. I'm also a pleasant person to be around, as Jordan can attest, so I'm not sure you want to continue your little dialogue, as you are becoming more and more unpleasant as it progresses.
*
Rutger Semp: Elise, dear, frankly I don't give a shit. It's women just like you that made me stop trying to find a decent one quite a while ago.
*
Rutger Semp: Also according to your own words, my unpleasantness should be wildly entertaining to you, so why are you complaining?
*
Elise C. Hanson: Oh, so you're celibate by choice, I thought it was externally inflicted.
*
Elise C. Hanson: It is wildly entertaining. I'm just worried what the women who would have otherwise touched you with a ten foot pole will think.
*
Rutger Semp: Aww, someone is being defensive. That's adorable! You're adorable, I see what people like about you
*
Rutger Semp: You're like a slightly retarded dog. Sad, but adoooorable at the same time
*
Elise C. Hanson: Defensive? No, I was merely agreeing with you. You're proving the point of this post. And it's glorious.
*
Rutger Semp: Well, it's hard for something not to be glorious once I get involved in it.
*
Elise C. Hanson: Is that the best you can come up with, or are you stoned or something. I'm willing to forgive that.
*
Rutger Semp: Though I am somewhat stoned I really just can't be bothered to make the effort with you. It's fairly clear that nothing I can possibly come up with will stop you from thinking what you are and what others are.
*
Elise C. Hanson: I have an query for you, Rutger. How many women have you been with? Just out of curiosity.
*
Rutger Semp: Less than you, probably
*
Elise C. Hanson: Well, that goes without saying. Siren that I am. But that's not really answering the question, now is it?
*
Rutger Semp: No, but it was an option for a clever remark. The answer to your query is 0! Something I am quite proud to say, actually.
*
Elise C. Hanson: AH. So the plot thickens.
*
Rutger Semp: How does the plot thicken? (nice choice of words, by the way)
*
Elise C. Hanson: I have a way with words. And men. What I love about this is that you refer, I'm assuming, to yourself, using the words "nice, cool, and shy." And then one post later you are telling a complete stranger that she is ugly, when we both know, Mr. Semp, that that is not the case. How could I not be wildly entertained? I wish I had a glass of Pinot Noir to toast the moment. But alas, all I have is some gin and PBR. So the toast will have to wait.
*
Rutger Semp:
I'm not nice, or cool. Some people tell me I am but I think you know better than them already that I'm really just an asshole. Shy, well I am somewhat shy, but mostly I just can't be bothered. I find very few women even slightly sexually appealing, and no that doesn't mean I'm attracted to men.
And hell, if you're so "good looking" as you call yourself, and I absolutely do not agree, even in the least, isn't that enough of a testament as to how picky I really am?
Hi, my name is Rutger Semp, and I just don't give a shit about 99,8% of humanity. Elice C. Hanson, you go out and enjoy being like everyone else. And cheers for once you get your hands on some pinot noir, I myself will stick to a beer.
*
Elise C. Hanson:
Well, yes, you are an asshole. I made that observation myself a little while back, but didn't put it "on paper." Are you a-sexual? Do you find that when you masturbate you simply have to look in a mirror in order to achieve climax? Or must ...you wrap your head in saran wrap and then do it?
I think I am good-looking, Rutger. Not a 10, perhaps, but enough to keep the men interested. Of course, I've never had to deal with a-sexual saran wrap men, but you learn something new every day, eh?
99.8? How did you come up with such a percentage? Did you use a calculator, or an abacus? Or a pie chart? I love pie. Especially raspberry. Are you agoraphobic? What's your take on egoist anarchism? Please do tell, I'm interested in hearing the opinions from an obvious moralist such as yourself.
*
Rutger Semp:
I'm not a-sexual, I have however only met four or five girls/women in my life that really did turn me on. The saran wrap, well the fact that you just came up with that tells me more than enough about what goes on in your mind.
And those 99.8...% are plain and simple statistics. And note that as small as that may seem, 0,2% is still over 13.606.000 people, which is quite a few people to tolerate.
*
Elise C. Hanson: Oh, it does? How disappointing. I was so looking forward to divulging all of my curiosities about human sexuality to you, I thought we'd made a connection. Sad day. Perhaps one day when we sit down, me to my bottle of Pinot Noir, you to your Budweiser, and we can discuss philosophies on humanity. I shall look forward to it. Until then, I will leave you to your pocket pinball, or whatever it is you kids call it nowadays.
*
Rutger Semp:
Oh, forgot a part. No, I am not agoraphobic specifically. I do however have a fairly impressive list of other (related) mental disorders, including but not limited to;
- Adjustment disorder
- Avolition
- Bipolar/manic-depressive disorder
...- Delirium
- Generalized anxiety disorder
- Narcissistic personality disorder
- Obsessive compulsive disorder
- Paranoid schizophrenia
- Panic disorder
- Schizoid personality disorder
- Social phobia
And egoist anarchism? Sounds fun, but it doesn't work.
*
Rutger Semp: Hah, pocket pinball. That takes me back, I haven't played that in over 16 years
*
Elise C. Hanson: Fun, I've dabbled in a few of those as well. The drugs are great. 16 years? So you were what, 2? My, that's an awfully early age to discover masturbation.
*
Rutger Semp: 4, actually. And pocket pinball means masturbation nowadays? I thought they called that fapping or something.
Also, I doubt you got those drugs, or you wouldn't be calling them great.
*
Elise C. Hanson: Yes, I got a few drugs. Some of which my daddy prescribed to me, for he is the very model of a modern major psychiatrist.
I really don't know many slang terms. Just the general ones. And apparently the obscure ones.
*
Rutger Semp: Like bashing the elongated kumquat?
*
Elise C. Hanson: Or choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come.
*
Rutger Semp: Beating tiny tim like he owes money
*
Elise C. Hanson: Shaking hands with the unemployed.
Elise: 1
Assholes everywhere: 0
It all started with a girlfriend's post...
Jordan Dunn: Wow boys, I thought I was supposed to be the dramatic one.
*
Rutger Semp: THAT'S SUCH A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY, GENERALIZING ALL MEN LIKE THAT.
*
Rutger Semp: HOW COULD YOU, I AM VERY VERY OFFENDED BY THAT
*
Rutger Semp: I WANT, NO I DEMAND AN APOLOGY, ON BEHALF OF ALL MALES
*
Rutger Semp: I AM HURT, HURT IN MY HEART.
*
Tawni Lofgren: Well. My eyes, sanity, sense of respect and my good mood are all quite injured by your inability to turn capslock off, or to pick your pinky finger off the shift button. Either one. And I demand an apology on behalf of all lowercase letters.
*
Rutger Semp: Your case failed when the first thing you did was use a capital W.
*
Tawni Lofgren: I was using proper grammar. Capital letters have their place: at the beginning of names and sentences. Not as every letter in the word.
*
Jordan Dunn: Bahahaha! That was not a generalization... I was talking to multiple boys, not ALL boys.
*
Rutger Semp: Tawni, you're like that red squiggly line in a word processor; knows exactly what's wrong with a word, but couldn't grasp the point of the sentence if your life depended on it. My previous posts were of humorous intent, since the "dramatic" types have a tendency to reach for the cruise-control.
*
Rutger Semp: PS: I use my ring finger for shit. So ha.
*
Rutger Semp: Err, shift. Well shit too, but shit, who gives a shit.
*
Jordan Dunn: Lol This might have been my favorite conversation I've ever started on facebook!
*
Tawni Lofgren: D8 I'm a red squiggly!
PS: I know that you were being funny. I was trying to be humorous in my response, but I guess I didn't add enough emoticons to let you know I wasn't serious.
*
Rutger Semp: Actually the sad truth is that there are too many people out there who would be completely serious about a post like that..
*
Tawni Lofgren:
Which I understand. If this was a normal blog, and you were some person that not even a friend of a friend knew, and they were seriously offended by Jordan's comment, they would have gone berserk and actually caplock rant. If that were the ...case, I would have been totally serious about my rant.
And Jordan, I'm glad that I've made your day better.
*
Corbin Edginton: i love jordan!
*
Elise C. Hanson: It's true, boys are always more dramatic and moody than girls. At least, in my experience. And I've had A LOT of experience.
*
Jordan Dunn: Lol! Yes i'm learning that right now. It's kinda throwing me off a little.
*
Elise C. Hanson: I'm also going to teach you something that will come in very handy all through your life: men are babies.
*
Rutger Semp: Not all of us are. It's just that all the nice cool ones are too shy to be noticed
*
Elise C. Hanson: Another tip: "nice, shy" guys are boring.
*
Rutger Semp: So you're complaining we're no good, when we do what you want us to. I see, well if that's what you want, let me be the first tell you I had severe doubts about these "lots" of experience once I saw your picture
*(Upon changing my profile pic to something totally hot.)
Elise C. Hanson: How 'bout now?
*
Rutger Semp: Putting stuff on your face and desaturating the picture doesn't make you look better, sorry
*
Elise C. Hanson: Rutger, darling, I've just been looking through your pictures, and I have to say, judging by what you've said on this post, you don't have the personality to make up for your repugnant mien, so heaven help you when it comes to women. As it is, I have had a lot of experience, both with men and women. I'm also a pleasant person to be around, as Jordan can attest, so I'm not sure you want to continue your little dialogue, as you are becoming more and more unpleasant as it progresses.
*
Rutger Semp: Elise, dear, frankly I don't give a shit. It's women just like you that made me stop trying to find a decent one quite a while ago.
*
Rutger Semp: Also according to your own words, my unpleasantness should be wildly entertaining to you, so why are you complaining?
*
Elise C. Hanson: Oh, so you're celibate by choice, I thought it was externally inflicted.
*
Elise C. Hanson: It is wildly entertaining. I'm just worried what the women who would have otherwise touched you with a ten foot pole will think.
*
Rutger Semp: Aww, someone is being defensive. That's adorable! You're adorable, I see what people like about you
*
Rutger Semp: You're like a slightly retarded dog. Sad, but adoooorable at the same time
*
Elise C. Hanson: Defensive? No, I was merely agreeing with you. You're proving the point of this post. And it's glorious.
*
Rutger Semp: Well, it's hard for something not to be glorious once I get involved in it.
*
Elise C. Hanson: Is that the best you can come up with, or are you stoned or something. I'm willing to forgive that.
*
Rutger Semp: Though I am somewhat stoned I really just can't be bothered to make the effort with you. It's fairly clear that nothing I can possibly come up with will stop you from thinking what you are and what others are.
*
Elise C. Hanson: I have an query for you, Rutger. How many women have you been with? Just out of curiosity.
*
Rutger Semp: Less than you, probably
*
Elise C. Hanson: Well, that goes without saying. Siren that I am. But that's not really answering the question, now is it?
*
Rutger Semp: No, but it was an option for a clever remark. The answer to your query is 0! Something I am quite proud to say, actually.
*
Elise C. Hanson: AH. So the plot thickens.
*
Rutger Semp: How does the plot thicken? (nice choice of words, by the way)
*
Elise C. Hanson: I have a way with words. And men. What I love about this is that you refer, I'm assuming, to yourself, using the words "nice, cool, and shy." And then one post later you are telling a complete stranger that she is ugly, when we both know, Mr. Semp, that that is not the case. How could I not be wildly entertained? I wish I had a glass of Pinot Noir to toast the moment. But alas, all I have is some gin and PBR. So the toast will have to wait.
*
Rutger Semp:
I'm not nice, or cool. Some people tell me I am but I think you know better than them already that I'm really just an asshole. Shy, well I am somewhat shy, but mostly I just can't be bothered. I find very few women even slightly sexually appealing, and no that doesn't mean I'm attracted to men.
And hell, if you're so "good looking" as you call yourself, and I absolutely do not agree, even in the least, isn't that enough of a testament as to how picky I really am?
Hi, my name is Rutger Semp, and I just don't give a shit about 99,8% of humanity. Elice C. Hanson, you go out and enjoy being like everyone else. And cheers for once you get your hands on some pinot noir, I myself will stick to a beer.
*
Elise C. Hanson:
Well, yes, you are an asshole. I made that observation myself a little while back, but didn't put it "on paper." Are you a-sexual? Do you find that when you masturbate you simply have to look in a mirror in order to achieve climax? Or must ...you wrap your head in saran wrap and then do it?
I think I am good-looking, Rutger. Not a 10, perhaps, but enough to keep the men interested. Of course, I've never had to deal with a-sexual saran wrap men, but you learn something new every day, eh?
99.8? How did you come up with such a percentage? Did you use a calculator, or an abacus? Or a pie chart? I love pie. Especially raspberry. Are you agoraphobic? What's your take on egoist anarchism? Please do tell, I'm interested in hearing the opinions from an obvious moralist such as yourself.
*
Rutger Semp:
I'm not a-sexual, I have however only met four or five girls/women in my life that really did turn me on. The saran wrap, well the fact that you just came up with that tells me more than enough about what goes on in your mind.
And those 99.8...% are plain and simple statistics. And note that as small as that may seem, 0,2% is still over 13.606.000 people, which is quite a few people to tolerate.
*
Elise C. Hanson: Oh, it does? How disappointing. I was so looking forward to divulging all of my curiosities about human sexuality to you, I thought we'd made a connection. Sad day. Perhaps one day when we sit down, me to my bottle of Pinot Noir, you to your Budweiser, and we can discuss philosophies on humanity. I shall look forward to it. Until then, I will leave you to your pocket pinball, or whatever it is you kids call it nowadays.
*
Rutger Semp:
Oh, forgot a part. No, I am not agoraphobic specifically. I do however have a fairly impressive list of other (related) mental disorders, including but not limited to;
- Adjustment disorder
- Avolition
- Bipolar/manic-depressive disorder
...- Delirium
- Generalized anxiety disorder
- Narcissistic personality disorder
- Obsessive compulsive disorder
- Paranoid schizophrenia
- Panic disorder
- Schizoid personality disorder
- Social phobia
And egoist anarchism? Sounds fun, but it doesn't work.
*
Rutger Semp: Hah, pocket pinball. That takes me back, I haven't played that in over 16 years
*
Elise C. Hanson: Fun, I've dabbled in a few of those as well. The drugs are great. 16 years? So you were what, 2? My, that's an awfully early age to discover masturbation.
*
Rutger Semp: 4, actually. And pocket pinball means masturbation nowadays? I thought they called that fapping or something.
Also, I doubt you got those drugs, or you wouldn't be calling them great.
*
Elise C. Hanson: Yes, I got a few drugs. Some of which my daddy prescribed to me, for he is the very model of a modern major psychiatrist.
I really don't know many slang terms. Just the general ones. And apparently the obscure ones.
*
Rutger Semp: Like bashing the elongated kumquat?
*
Elise C. Hanson: Or choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come.
*
Rutger Semp: Beating tiny tim like he owes money
*
Elise C. Hanson: Shaking hands with the unemployed.
Elise: 1
Assholes everywhere: 0
Friday, October 8, 2010
Food, Eating....The Theatre.
I love the theater. It is my cathedral, and acting is my religion. I love opening night. The quiet murmur of the audience's voices that you hear through the curtain, the smell of old lady's perfume, the sight of people looking through the programs, reading the biographies of young actors whose careers have just begun. The enthusiasm of the actors backstage, doing vocal and physical warm ups, excitement shining in their eyes. It's pure poetry. There is nothing I love better in the world.
Except maybe a sausage biscuit from McDonald's.
Except maybe a sausage biscuit from McDonald's.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Quote of the Day
Men as socks.
Some men are argyles.
Safe socks.
This column socks.
You are definitely getting fired.
Some men are argyles.
Safe socks.
This column socks.
You are definitely getting fired.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The Dive
I love little burger joints that smell like salt and ice cream and onions--the way fast food joints oughta smell. I love simple, greasy burgers and not a huge menu selection. I love onion rings and local hangouts and strange treats that serve as the restaurant's main seller. I love the pictures on the wall of family and friends and local history. I love the little boxes that they bring you the food in. I love the cheap paper and the grease spots and the delicious, delightful, delovely food. I love dives.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I Want to Run, I Want to Hide; I Want to Tear Down the Walls That Hold Me Inside.
I'm convinced that when I die, the first thing I will hear as I come through the clouds and see the sun bursting over the great white gates is U2's "Where The Streets Have No Name."
That is how much I love that song.
That is all.
That is how much I love that song.
That is all.
Monday, February 1, 2010
PURE.
So I went clubbing on Friday with Justin. About ten minutes into it, I was like, "Oh, THIS is what clubbing is meant to be." The venue was perfect, the music was fun, and the lighting cast the dancing patrons into a haze of surreal and tenuous actuality. (With or without alcohol. But with is always better!) It was the most fun I have ever had at a club and one of the funnest times I've ever had like, ever.
And now I would like to talk about a subject that has been plaguing me for quite some time, but even more so now that I am closer to it. It is the subject of restaurant etiquette. Now, I'm sure that all of my friends are perfectly gracious restaurant patrons, but a girl has to rant. So here are my list of non-negotiable restaurant rules.
1- ALWAYS sit where the hostess leads you. There are several reasons for this. There's this thing called rotation, see, and if a waiter gets double-sat they have to blame someone and so they blame the host. Also, maybe you're fat or old or little and the host knows all the tables in the place like the back of her hand and she's probably trying to lead you to the one best for you. Just SIT, dammit.
2- If your host tells you to park your gigantic stroller somewhere, park it there. Otherwise it becomes a fire hazard.
3- TIP TIP TIP. Hosts and servers BOTH earn below minimum wage and both depend on tips to live. Servers earn $2.13 an hour and hosts $5.35. There are many, many horror stories I've heard about bad tippers in restaurants, and I've heard them all, but the one I heard that horrified me the most was earlier today. A server at my restaurant was finishing up at a table and she brought the customers their check. She asked if they needed change and they said they didn't. She went away to discover 30 cents extra in the book. Instead of just lying down and taking it, she approached the customers and asked if there was anything wrong with their service. They said no, but they informed her that their ward had decided to not tip to help the economy, because servers earn an hourly wage, they thought, somewhere around minimum wage or about $8.00. She explained to them that servers earn basically nothing and depend on tips, and also if a person tips poorly that they end up paying for food. The man didn't believe her and just kept blabbing on about the economy. Yes, times are bad, but we all have to earn a living. I think it's a crime that servers and hosts must depend on tips for their livelihood, but that's just the way it is. So TIP. This just doesn't go for food service, but hair cuts, massage, etc. We all earn squat.
4- Clean up after yourselves. I'm not saying to take your plate to the kitchen. That's dangerous. But stack your plates and cups, clean up paper garbage, wipe up spills, etc. This especially goes for people with kids. Before I ever worked in food I didn't really like kids. Now I HATE them. Nuff said.
These are just the basics. Of course I have a million little pet peeves, but they are lesser. Just be nice. Like I know you are.
And now I would like to talk about a subject that has been plaguing me for quite some time, but even more so now that I am closer to it. It is the subject of restaurant etiquette. Now, I'm sure that all of my friends are perfectly gracious restaurant patrons, but a girl has to rant. So here are my list of non-negotiable restaurant rules.
1- ALWAYS sit where the hostess leads you. There are several reasons for this. There's this thing called rotation, see, and if a waiter gets double-sat they have to blame someone and so they blame the host. Also, maybe you're fat or old or little and the host knows all the tables in the place like the back of her hand and she's probably trying to lead you to the one best for you. Just SIT, dammit.
2- If your host tells you to park your gigantic stroller somewhere, park it there. Otherwise it becomes a fire hazard.
3- TIP TIP TIP. Hosts and servers BOTH earn below minimum wage and both depend on tips to live. Servers earn $2.13 an hour and hosts $5.35. There are many, many horror stories I've heard about bad tippers in restaurants, and I've heard them all, but the one I heard that horrified me the most was earlier today. A server at my restaurant was finishing up at a table and she brought the customers their check. She asked if they needed change and they said they didn't. She went away to discover 30 cents extra in the book. Instead of just lying down and taking it, she approached the customers and asked if there was anything wrong with their service. They said no, but they informed her that their ward had decided to not tip to help the economy, because servers earn an hourly wage, they thought, somewhere around minimum wage or about $8.00. She explained to them that servers earn basically nothing and depend on tips, and also if a person tips poorly that they end up paying for food. The man didn't believe her and just kept blabbing on about the economy. Yes, times are bad, but we all have to earn a living. I think it's a crime that servers and hosts must depend on tips for their livelihood, but that's just the way it is. So TIP. This just doesn't go for food service, but hair cuts, massage, etc. We all earn squat.
4- Clean up after yourselves. I'm not saying to take your plate to the kitchen. That's dangerous. But stack your plates and cups, clean up paper garbage, wipe up spills, etc. This especially goes for people with kids. Before I ever worked in food I didn't really like kids. Now I HATE them. Nuff said.
These are just the basics. Of course I have a million little pet peeves, but they are lesser. Just be nice. Like I know you are.
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