Conversations With an Asshole.

Proof that I can charm even the douchiest of douche bags. Even when I've never met them.

It all started with a girlfriend's post...

Jordan Dunn: Wow boys, I thought I was supposed to be the dramatic one.

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Rutger Semp: THAT'S SUCH A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY, GENERALIZING ALL MEN LIKE THAT.

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Rutger Semp: HOW COULD YOU, I AM VERY VERY OFFENDED BY THAT

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Rutger Semp: I WANT, NO I DEMAND AN APOLOGY, ON BEHALF OF ALL MALES

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Rutger Semp: I AM HURT, HURT IN MY HEART.

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Tawni Lofgren: Well. My eyes, sanity, sense of respect and my good mood are all quite injured by your inability to turn capslock off, or to pick your pinky finger off the shift button. Either one. And I demand an apology on behalf of all lowercase letters.

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Rutger Semp: Your case failed when the first thing you did was use a capital W.

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Tawni Lofgren: I was using proper grammar. Capital letters have their place: at the beginning of names and sentences. Not as every letter in the word.

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Jordan Dunn: Bahahaha! That was not a generalization... I was talking to multiple boys, not ALL boys.

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Rutger Semp: Tawni, you're like that red squiggly line in a word processor; knows exactly what's wrong with a word, but couldn't grasp the point of the sentence if your life depended on it. My previous posts were of humorous intent, since the "dramatic" types have a tendency to reach for the cruise-control.

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Rutger Semp: PS: I use my ring finger for shit. So ha.

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Rutger Semp: Err, shift. Well shit too, but shit, who gives a shit.

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Jordan Dunn: Lol This might have been my favorite conversation I've ever started on facebook!

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Tawni Lofgren: D8 I'm a red squiggly!
PS: I know that you were being funny. I was trying to be humorous in my response, but I guess I didn't add enough emoticons to let you know I wasn't serious.

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Rutger Semp: Actually the sad truth is that there are too many people out there who would be completely serious about a post like that..

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Tawni Lofgren:
Which I understand. If this was a normal blog, and you were some person that not even a friend of a friend knew, and they were seriously offended by Jordan's comment, they would have gone berserk and actually caplock rant. If that were the ...case, I would have been totally serious about my rant.
And Jordan, I'm glad that I've made your day better.

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Corbin Edginton: i love jordan!

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Elise C. Hanson: It's true, boys are always more dramatic and moody than girls. At least, in my experience. And I've had A LOT of experience.

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Jordan Dunn: Lol! Yes i'm learning that right now. It's kinda throwing me off a little.

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Elise C. Hanson: I'm also going to teach you something that will come in very handy all through your life: men are babies.

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Rutger Semp: Not all of us are. It's just that all the nice cool ones are too shy to be noticed

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Elise C. Hanson: Another tip: "nice, shy" guys are boring.

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Rutger Semp: So you're complaining we're no good, when we do what you want us to. I see, well if that's what you want, let me be the first tell you I had severe doubts about these "lots" of experience once I saw your picture

*(Upon changing my profile pic to something totally hot.)
Elise C. Hanson: How 'bout now?

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Rutger Semp: Putting stuff on your face and desaturating the picture doesn't make you look better, sorry

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Elise C. Hanson: Rutger, darling, I've just been looking through your pictures, and I have to say, judging by what you've said on this post, you don't have the personality to make up for your repugnant mien, so heaven help you when it comes to women. As it is, I have had a lot of experience, both with men and women. I'm also a pleasant person to be around, as Jordan can attest, so I'm not sure you want to continue your little dialogue, as you are becoming more and more unpleasant as it progresses.

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Rutger Semp: Elise, dear, frankly I don't give a shit. It's women just like you that made me stop trying to find a decent one quite a while ago.

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Rutger Semp: Also according to your own words, my unpleasantness should be wildly entertaining to you, so why are you complaining?

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Elise C. Hanson: Oh, so you're celibate by choice, I thought it was externally inflicted.

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Elise C. Hanson: It is wildly entertaining. I'm just worried what the women who would have otherwise touched you with a ten foot pole will think.

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Rutger Semp: Aww, someone is being defensive. That's adorable! You're adorable, I see what people like about you

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Rutger Semp: You're like a slightly retarded dog. Sad, but adoooorable at the same time

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Elise C. Hanson: Defensive? No, I was merely agreeing with you. You're proving the point of this post. And it's glorious.

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Rutger Semp: Well, it's hard for something not to be glorious once I get involved in it.

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Elise C. Hanson: Is that the best you can come up with, or are you stoned or something. I'm willing to forgive that.

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Rutger Semp: Though I am somewhat stoned I really just can't be bothered to make the effort with you. It's fairly clear that nothing I can possibly come up with will stop you from thinking what you are and what others are.

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Elise C. Hanson: I have an query for you, Rutger. How many women have you been with? Just out of curiosity.

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Rutger Semp: Less than you, probably

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Elise C. Hanson: Well, that goes without saying. Siren that I am. But that's not really answering the question, now is it?

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Rutger Semp: No, but it was an option for a clever remark. The answer to your query is 0! Something I am quite proud to say, actually.

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Elise C. Hanson: AH. So the plot thickens.

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Rutger Semp: How does the plot thicken? (nice choice of words, by the way)

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Elise C. Hanson: I have a way with words. And men. What I love about this is that you refer, I'm assuming, to yourself, using the words "nice, cool, and shy." And then one post later you are telling a complete stranger that she is ugly, when we both know, Mr. Semp, that that is not the case. How could I not be wildly entertained? I wish I had a glass of Pinot Noir to toast the moment. But alas, all I have is some gin and PBR. So the toast will have to wait.

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Rutger Semp:
I'm not nice, or cool. Some people tell me I am but I think you know better than them already that I'm really just an asshole. Shy, well I am somewhat shy, but mostly I just can't be bothered. I find very few women even slightly sexually appealing, and no that doesn't mean I'm attracted to men.

And hell, if you're so "good looking" as you call yourself, and I absolutely do not agree, even in the least, isn't that enough of a testament as to how picky I really am?

Hi, my name is Rutger Semp, and I just don't give a shit about 99,8% of humanity. Elice C. Hanson, you go out and enjoy being like everyone else. And cheers for once you get your hands on some pinot noir, I myself will stick to a beer.

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Elise C. Hanson:
Well, yes, you are an asshole. I made that observation myself a little while back, but didn't put it "on paper." Are you a-sexual? Do you find that when you masturbate you simply have to look in a mirror in order to achieve climax? Or must ...you wrap your head in saran wrap and then do it?

I think I am good-looking, Rutger. Not a 10, perhaps, but enough to keep the men interested. Of course, I've never had to deal with a-sexual saran wrap men, but you learn something new every day, eh?

99.8? How did you come up with such a percentage? Did you use a calculator, or an abacus? Or a pie chart? I love pie. Especially raspberry. Are you agoraphobic? What's your take on egoist anarchism? Please do tell, I'm interested in hearing the opinions from an obvious moralist such as yourself.

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Rutger Semp:
I'm not a-sexual, I have however only met four or five girls/women in my life that really did turn me on. The saran wrap, well the fact that you just came up with that tells me more than enough about what goes on in your mind.

And those 99.8...% are plain and simple statistics. And note that as small as that may seem, 0,2% is still over 13.606.000 people, which is quite a few people to tolerate.

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Elise C. Hanson: Oh, it does? How disappointing. I was so looking forward to divulging all of my curiosities about human sexuality to you, I thought we'd made a connection. Sad day. Perhaps one day when we sit down, me to my bottle of Pinot Noir, you to your Budweiser, and we can discuss philosophies on humanity. I shall look forward to it. Until then, I will leave you to your pocket pinball, or whatever it is you kids call it nowadays.

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Rutger Semp:
Oh, forgot a part. No, I am not agoraphobic specifically. I do however have a fairly impressive list of other (related) mental disorders, including but not limited to;

- Adjustment disorder
- Avolition
- Bipolar/manic-depressive disorder
...- Delirium
- Generalized anxiety disorder
- Narcissistic personality disorder
- Obsessive compulsive disorder
- Paranoid schizophrenia
- Panic disorder
- Schizoid personality disorder
- Social phobia

And egoist anarchism? Sounds fun, but it doesn't work.

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Rutger Semp: Hah, pocket pinball. That takes me back, I haven't played that in over 16 years

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Elise C. Hanson: Fun, I've dabbled in a few of those as well. The drugs are great. 16 years? So you were what, 2? My, that's an awfully early age to discover masturbation.

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Rutger Semp: ‎4, actually. And pocket pinball means masturbation nowadays? I thought they called that fapping or something.

Also, I doubt you got those drugs, or you wouldn't be calling them great.

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Elise C. Hanson: Yes, I got a few drugs. Some of which my daddy prescribed to me, for he is the very model of a modern major psychiatrist.

I really don't know many slang terms. Just the general ones. And apparently the obscure ones.

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Rutger Semp: Like bashing the elongated kumquat?

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Elise C. Hanson: Or choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come.

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Rutger Semp: Beating tiny tim like he owes money

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Elise C. Hanson: Shaking hands with the unemployed.



Elise: 1
Assholes everywhere: 0