Some of My Favorite Dialogue EVER....

MRS HIGGINS: This is appalling. I should not have thrown my slippers at him. I would have thrown the fire-irons. (There is a knock at the door.)

ELIZA: Who's that?

MRS HIGGINS: Henry. I knew it wouldn't be too long. Now, remember: you not only danced with a prince last night, you behaved like a princess.

PROF HIGGINS: Mother, the most confounded thing--do you...YOU!

ELIZA: Good afternoon, Professor Higgins, are you quite well? Of course you are. You are never ill. Would you care for some tea?

PROF HIGGINS: Don't you dare try that game on me, I taught it to you! Get up, come home, and stop being a fool. You've caused me enough trouble.

MRS HIGGINS: Very nicely put indeed, Henry. No woman could resist such an invitation.

PROF HIGGINS: Well how did this baggage get here?

MRS HIGGINS: Eliza came to see me this morning and I was delighted to have her. If you don't promise to behave yourself I'll ask you to leave.

PROF HIGGINS: I'm to put on my manners for this thing that I created out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Convent Garden?

MRS HIGGINS: That is precisely what I mean.

PROF HIGGINS: I'll see her damned first.

MRS HIGGINS: However did you learn good manners with my son around?

ELIZA: It was very difficult. I should never have learned how ladies and gentlemen behaved if it wasn't for Colonel Pickering. He showed me that he felt and thought about me as though I was something better than a common flower girl. You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from what one can pick up, the difference between a lady and a flower girl isn't how she behaves but how she is treated. I'll always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins because he always treats me as a flower girl and always will. But I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering because he always treats me as a lady and always will.

MRS HIGGINS: Henry, don't grind your teeth. (Maid enters.)

MAID: The bishop is here. Shall I show him into the garden.

MRS HIGGINS: The bishop and the professor, heavens no, I shall be excommunicated! I'll see him in the library. (She begins to exit) Eliza, if my son starts breaking up things, I give you full permission to have him evicted. Henry, I suggest you stick to two subjects: the weather, and your health. (She exits.)

PROF HIGGINS: You've had a bit of your own back, as you say. Have you had enough and will you be reasonable or do you want more?

ELIZA: You want me back only to bring you your slippers and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.

PROF HIGGINS: I didn't say I wanted you back at all.

ELIZA: Then what are we talking about?

PROF HIGGINS: Well, we're talking about you, not about me. If you come back you'll be treated as you always have. I can't change my nature or my manners. My manners. My manners are exactly the same as Colonel Pickering's!

ELIZA: That's not true, he treats a flower girl as if she were a duchess!

PROF HIGGINS: And I treat a duchess as if she were a flower girl.

ELIZA: I see, the same to everybody.

PROF HIGGINS: Yes, the great secret is not a question of good manners or bad manners, or any particular sort of manner, but having the same manner for all human souls. The question is not whether I treat you rudely, but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better.

ELIZA: I don't care how you treat me, I don't mind your swearing at me, I shouldn't mind a black eye, I've had one before this; but I won't be passed over.

PROF HIGGINS: You talk about me as if I were a motorbus.

ELIZA: So you are a motorbus. All bounce and go and no consideration for anybody. But I can get along without you. Don't you think I can't!

PROF HIGGINS: I know you can, I told you you could. You've never wondered, I suppose, whether--whether I could get along without you.

ELIZA: Don't you try to get around me, you'll have to.

PROF HIGGINS: So I can, without you or any other soul on earth! (Slight pause.) But I shall miss you, Eliza. I've learned something from your idiotic notions. I admit that humbly and gratefully.

ELIZA: Well, you have my voice on your gramophone. Whenever you feel lonely without me you can turn it on. It has no feelings to hurt.

PROF HIGGINS: I can't turn your soul on.

ELIZA: Ooh, you are a devil. You can twist the arm of a girl just as easily as some can twist her arms to hurt her. What am I to come back for?

PROF HIGGINS: For the fun of it, that's why I took you on!

ELIZA: You may throw me out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want.

PROF HGGINS: Yes, and you may walk out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want.

ELIZA: And live with my father?

PROF HIGGINS: Yes, and sell flowers. Or would you rather marry Pickering?

ELIZA: I wouldn't marry you if you asked me and you're nearer to my age than what he is.

PROF HIGGINS: Than he is.

ELIZA: I'll talk as I like, you're not my teacher. That's not what I want and don't you think it is. I've had chaps enough wanting me that way. Freddy Hill writes me twice and three times a day, sheets and sheets.

PROF HIGGINS: In short, you want me to be as infatuated as he is about you, is that it?

ELIZA: No, that's not the sort of feeling I want from you. I want a little kindness. I know I'm a common, ignorant girl and you're a book-learned gentleman, but I'm not dirt under your feet. What I done--what I did was not for the taxis and the dresses, but because we were pleasant together and I come to--came--to care for you. Not to want you to make love to me, and not forgetting the differences between us, but more friendly-like.

PROF HIGGINS: Well, of course. That's how I feel. And how Pickering feels. Eliza, you're a fool!

ELIZA: That's not the proper answer to give me!

PROF HIGGINS: It's the only proper answer til you stop being an idiot. To be a lady, you must feeling neglected if men don't spend half their time sniveling at you and the other half giving you black eyes. You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish, don't you. Off with you to the sort of people you like--marry a sentimental hog with lots of money and a thick pair of lips to kiss you with and a thick pair of boots to kick you with. If you can't appreciate what you have, go and get what you can appreciate.

ELIZA: I can't talk to you. You always turn everything against me, I'm always in the wrong. Don't be too sure you have me under your feet to be trampled and talked down. I'll marry Freddy, I will, as soon as I'm able to support him.

PROF HIGGINS: Marry Freddy? That poor devil who couldn't get a job as an errand boy even if he had the guts to try for it? Don't you understand, I've made you a consort for a king!

ELIZA: Freddy loves me, that makes him king enough for me. I don't want him to work, he wasn't brought up to work as I was. I'll be a teacher.

PROF HIGGINS: What will you teach, in heaven's name?

ELIZA: What you taught me, I'll teach phonetics. I'll offer myself as an assistant to that brilliant Hungarian!

PROF HIGGINS: What, that impostor? That humbug? That toadying ignoramus? Teach him my methods, my discoveries? You take one step in that direction and I'll wring your neck--

ELIZA: Wring away, what do I care? I knew you'd strike me one day! (Pause.) Now, that's done you, 'Enry 'Iggins it 'as, now I don't care that for your bullyin' and your big talk. What a fool I was! What a dominated fool, to think you were the earth and sky. What a fool I was, what an addle-pated fool, what a mutton-headed dolt was I! No, my reverberating friend, you are not the beginning and the end.

PROF HIGGINS: You impudent hussy! There's not an idea in your head or a word in your mouth that I haven't put there!

ELIZA: There'll be spring every year without you, England still will be here without you--there'll be fruit on the tree, and a shore by the sea, there'll be crumpets and tea without you! Art and music will thrive without you, somehow Keats will survive without you. And there still will be rain on that plain down in Spain, even that will remain without you. I can do without you. You, dear friend, who talk so well, you can go to Hartford, Hereford, and Hampshire. They can still rule the land without you. Windsor Castle will stand without you. And without much ado we can all muddle through without you!

PROF HIGGINS: You brazen hussy!

ELIZA: Without your pulling it, the tide comes in. Without your twirling it, the earth can spin. Without your pushing them, the clouds roll by. If they can do without you, ducky, so can I! I shall not feel alone without you. I can stand on my own without you. So go back in your shell, I can do bloody well without--

PROF HIGGINS: BY George, I really did it! I did it, I did it, I said I'd make a woman and indeed I did. I knew that I could do it. I knew it, I knew it. I said I'd make a woman and succeed I did! Eliza, you're magnificent! Five minutes ago you were a millstone 'round my neck and now you're a tower of strength, a consort battleship! I like you this way.

ELIZA: Goodbye, Professor Higgins. You will not be seeing me again. (She exits.)

PROF HIGGINS: MOTHER! MOTHER! MOTHER!

MRS HIGGINS: What is it, Henry? What's happened?

PROF HIGGINS: She's gone.

MRS HIGGINS: Well of course, dear. What did you expect?

PROF HIGGINS: What am I to do?

MRS HIGGINS: Do without, I suppose.

PROF HIGGINS: And so I shall! If the Higgins oxygen burns up her little lungs, let her seek some stuffiness that suits her. She's an owl sickened by a few days of my sunshine. Let her go, I can do without her, I have my own soul. My own spark of divine fire! (He exits.)

MRS HIGGINS: Bravo, Eliza.