Touch The Lightbulb, Dancing Turkey

Thanksgiving this year was awesomely fun! I cooked a lot, drank a lot of wine, and had my first Bloody Mary. All of my dishes were a huge hit, which made me happy, and I got to go to every single event this year. (Bless my absence of a schedule.) I played lots of games with family, cooked with my mom and sisters, went to lefse night, made it to three dinners, and I have one more to go!
So Ryan Merrill sent me this list via text message and it had us all laughing, so I thought I'd share:

DIRTY THINGS SAID AT THANKSGIVING:
1- "Talk about a huge breast!"
2- "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
3- "It's Cool-Whip time!"
4- "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
5- "That's one terrific spread."
6- "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
7- "Are you ready for seconds yet?"
8- "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
9- "Just wait your turn, you'll get some."
10- "Don't play with your meat."
11- "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
12- "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
13- "I didn't expect everyone to come at once."
14- "You still have a little bit on your chin."
15- "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
16- "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."


Happy holidays everyone!

Salt Lake Tribune Article.

So, since my daddy is like, this awesome psychiatrist, the Trib asked for his opinion on whether or not human sexuality can be changed. Unfortunately, since he does a lot of business with the LDS community, he couldn't use his own name, so he used mine. I thought the article was hilarious. Very dry and sarcastic. So here it is:

Are problematic sexual urges curable? Of course, if you don’t care about the other effects on the person’s soul. For an excellent guide on how to cure unwanted sexual orientation, there’s a detailed description of a very effective, if not humane, technique implemented by Big Brother in George Orwell’s novel 1984.

Through a prolonged regimen of systematic beatings and psychologically draining interrogation by the Thought Police, Winston Smith is re-educated so that he no longer loves Julia (“After that, you don’t feel the same toward the other person any longer”) or eagerly wants to know about the true past; he now loves only Big Brother.

Since the process worked on heterosexual couples, it’s sure to work on homosexuals, too!

Elise Hanson

Draper

Truths For Mature Humans.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger

4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories

11. You never now when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection.... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this-ever

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? ****), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.

20. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

21. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

22. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger

23. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

24. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far

26. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists

27. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is

28. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey, but I'd bet that everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

My Cat

Her name is Hermione.

She's obsessed with pencils, windows, and tweezers.

She sits on my lap when I type.

When I take a shower she sits outside the curtain and talks to me about her day.

She's a daddy's girl. But she knows I'm the boss.

She asks me questions, and then when I answer her, she shuts up.

She likes her cat food better than tuna, and she loves Cheerios and Cheezits.

She likes to touch my face with her paws. A lot.

She has this cute little belly fat flap.

She loves to watch tv while sitting back on her haunches.

She hates Meat Loaf but she loves techno and rap. I'm trying to fix this.

She's my baby.

Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend. (I mean, I'm going to anyway, but don't expect it....)

I stopped sending flowers to your apartment
You said you aren't home much anymore
I stopped dropping by without an appointment
Cause I'd hear laughter coming through your door.

Sometimes late at night you'll still call me
Just before you close your eyes to sleep
You make me vow to try and stop by sometime
Baby that's a promise I can't keep.

I love you too much to ever start liking you
So lets just let the story kinda end
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So don't expect me to be your friend.

I don't walk down through the village or other places
That we used to go to all the time
I'm trying to erase you from my memory
Cause thinking of you jumbles up my mind.

You always act so happy when I see you
You smile that way you take my hand and then
Introduce me to your latest lover
That's when I feel the walls start crashing in.

Some Ispirational Quotes From Actors. (And Some Others)

"There are two types of actors: those who say they want to
be famous and those who are liars." ~ Kevin Bacon

"It's okay to act as if you have modest goals. Just don't
buy into your own act." ~ Bob Fraser

"I'm a skilled professional actor. Whether or not I've any
talent is beside the point." ~ Michael Caine

"Those who believe that it's all about talent, looks or luck
are unlikely to take the time to develop a professional's
skills." ~ Nicole Kidman

"Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people
from coughing." ~ Sir Ralph Richardson

"It's all about the customers (whom we insist on calling an
audience... I guess because we 'play' the king once in
awhile)." ~ Bob Fraser


"Just say the gags and don't bump into the furniture."
~ Spencer Tracy

"You are a person. You are acting the part of a person
(generally). Don't insist on making it into something
mysterious." ~ Jared Larkin

"Do your part and ask for your compensation. But in that
order." ~ Cary Grant

"If you are a professional, you should expect to get paid."
~ Mike Brown

"Who told me not to fly, I've simply got to. . If I take a
spill, it's me and not you. Who told you you're allowed to
rain on my parade?" ~ Lyrics from Funny Girl

"If you insist on listening to other people's assessment of
your dream, your dream will never become a reality." ~ Elise Hanson

"Make a way out of no way." ~ Halle Berry

"If opportunity isn't knocking, build a door." ~ Milton Berle

"The obstacle is the path." ~ Buddha

"My feeling about fear is, if you give in to your fears, they
come true. I'm superstitious enough to believe that."
~ Meryl Streep

"Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself." ~ Jeanne Moreau

"Acting is happy agony." ~ Sir Alec Guiness

Some of My Favorite Dialogue EVER....

MRS HIGGINS: This is appalling. I should not have thrown my slippers at him. I would have thrown the fire-irons. (There is a knock at the door.)

ELIZA: Who's that?

MRS HIGGINS: Henry. I knew it wouldn't be too long. Now, remember: you not only danced with a prince last night, you behaved like a princess.

PROF HIGGINS: Mother, the most confounded thing--do you...YOU!

ELIZA: Good afternoon, Professor Higgins, are you quite well? Of course you are. You are never ill. Would you care for some tea?

PROF HIGGINS: Don't you dare try that game on me, I taught it to you! Get up, come home, and stop being a fool. You've caused me enough trouble.

MRS HIGGINS: Very nicely put indeed, Henry. No woman could resist such an invitation.

PROF HIGGINS: Well how did this baggage get here?

MRS HIGGINS: Eliza came to see me this morning and I was delighted to have her. If you don't promise to behave yourself I'll ask you to leave.

PROF HIGGINS: I'm to put on my manners for this thing that I created out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Convent Garden?

MRS HIGGINS: That is precisely what I mean.

PROF HIGGINS: I'll see her damned first.

MRS HIGGINS: However did you learn good manners with my son around?

ELIZA: It was very difficult. I should never have learned how ladies and gentlemen behaved if it wasn't for Colonel Pickering. He showed me that he felt and thought about me as though I was something better than a common flower girl. You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from what one can pick up, the difference between a lady and a flower girl isn't how she behaves but how she is treated. I'll always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins because he always treats me as a flower girl and always will. But I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering because he always treats me as a lady and always will.

MRS HIGGINS: Henry, don't grind your teeth. (Maid enters.)

MAID: The bishop is here. Shall I show him into the garden.

MRS HIGGINS: The bishop and the professor, heavens no, I shall be excommunicated! I'll see him in the library. (She begins to exit) Eliza, if my son starts breaking up things, I give you full permission to have him evicted. Henry, I suggest you stick to two subjects: the weather, and your health. (She exits.)

PROF HIGGINS: You've had a bit of your own back, as you say. Have you had enough and will you be reasonable or do you want more?

ELIZA: You want me back only to bring you your slippers and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.

PROF HIGGINS: I didn't say I wanted you back at all.

ELIZA: Then what are we talking about?

PROF HIGGINS: Well, we're talking about you, not about me. If you come back you'll be treated as you always have. I can't change my nature or my manners. My manners. My manners are exactly the same as Colonel Pickering's!

ELIZA: That's not true, he treats a flower girl as if she were a duchess!

PROF HIGGINS: And I treat a duchess as if she were a flower girl.

ELIZA: I see, the same to everybody.

PROF HIGGINS: Yes, the great secret is not a question of good manners or bad manners, or any particular sort of manner, but having the same manner for all human souls. The question is not whether I treat you rudely, but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better.

ELIZA: I don't care how you treat me, I don't mind your swearing at me, I shouldn't mind a black eye, I've had one before this; but I won't be passed over.

PROF HIGGINS: You talk about me as if I were a motorbus.

ELIZA: So you are a motorbus. All bounce and go and no consideration for anybody. But I can get along without you. Don't you think I can't!

PROF HIGGINS: I know you can, I told you you could. You've never wondered, I suppose, whether--whether I could get along without you.

ELIZA: Don't you try to get around me, you'll have to.

PROF HIGGINS: So I can, without you or any other soul on earth! (Slight pause.) But I shall miss you, Eliza. I've learned something from your idiotic notions. I admit that humbly and gratefully.

ELIZA: Well, you have my voice on your gramophone. Whenever you feel lonely without me you can turn it on. It has no feelings to hurt.

PROF HIGGINS: I can't turn your soul on.

ELIZA: Ooh, you are a devil. You can twist the arm of a girl just as easily as some can twist her arms to hurt her. What am I to come back for?

PROF HIGGINS: For the fun of it, that's why I took you on!

ELIZA: You may throw me out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want.

PROF HGGINS: Yes, and you may walk out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want.

ELIZA: And live with my father?

PROF HIGGINS: Yes, and sell flowers. Or would you rather marry Pickering?

ELIZA: I wouldn't marry you if you asked me and you're nearer to my age than what he is.

PROF HIGGINS: Than he is.

ELIZA: I'll talk as I like, you're not my teacher. That's not what I want and don't you think it is. I've had chaps enough wanting me that way. Freddy Hill writes me twice and three times a day, sheets and sheets.

PROF HIGGINS: In short, you want me to be as infatuated as he is about you, is that it?

ELIZA: No, that's not the sort of feeling I want from you. I want a little kindness. I know I'm a common, ignorant girl and you're a book-learned gentleman, but I'm not dirt under your feet. What I done--what I did was not for the taxis and the dresses, but because we were pleasant together and I come to--came--to care for you. Not to want you to make love to me, and not forgetting the differences between us, but more friendly-like.

PROF HIGGINS: Well, of course. That's how I feel. And how Pickering feels. Eliza, you're a fool!

ELIZA: That's not the proper answer to give me!

PROF HIGGINS: It's the only proper answer til you stop being an idiot. To be a lady, you must feeling neglected if men don't spend half their time sniveling at you and the other half giving you black eyes. You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish, don't you. Off with you to the sort of people you like--marry a sentimental hog with lots of money and a thick pair of lips to kiss you with and a thick pair of boots to kick you with. If you can't appreciate what you have, go and get what you can appreciate.

ELIZA: I can't talk to you. You always turn everything against me, I'm always in the wrong. Don't be too sure you have me under your feet to be trampled and talked down. I'll marry Freddy, I will, as soon as I'm able to support him.

PROF HIGGINS: Marry Freddy? That poor devil who couldn't get a job as an errand boy even if he had the guts to try for it? Don't you understand, I've made you a consort for a king!

ELIZA: Freddy loves me, that makes him king enough for me. I don't want him to work, he wasn't brought up to work as I was. I'll be a teacher.

PROF HIGGINS: What will you teach, in heaven's name?

ELIZA: What you taught me, I'll teach phonetics. I'll offer myself as an assistant to that brilliant Hungarian!

PROF HIGGINS: What, that impostor? That humbug? That toadying ignoramus? Teach him my methods, my discoveries? You take one step in that direction and I'll wring your neck--

ELIZA: Wring away, what do I care? I knew you'd strike me one day! (Pause.) Now, that's done you, 'Enry 'Iggins it 'as, now I don't care that for your bullyin' and your big talk. What a fool I was! What a dominated fool, to think you were the earth and sky. What a fool I was, what an addle-pated fool, what a mutton-headed dolt was I! No, my reverberating friend, you are not the beginning and the end.

PROF HIGGINS: You impudent hussy! There's not an idea in your head or a word in your mouth that I haven't put there!

ELIZA: There'll be spring every year without you, England still will be here without you--there'll be fruit on the tree, and a shore by the sea, there'll be crumpets and tea without you! Art and music will thrive without you, somehow Keats will survive without you. And there still will be rain on that plain down in Spain, even that will remain without you. I can do without you. You, dear friend, who talk so well, you can go to Hartford, Hereford, and Hampshire. They can still rule the land without you. Windsor Castle will stand without you. And without much ado we can all muddle through without you!

PROF HIGGINS: You brazen hussy!

ELIZA: Without your pulling it, the tide comes in. Without your twirling it, the earth can spin. Without your pushing them, the clouds roll by. If they can do without you, ducky, so can I! I shall not feel alone without you. I can stand on my own without you. So go back in your shell, I can do bloody well without--

PROF HIGGINS: BY George, I really did it! I did it, I did it, I said I'd make a woman and indeed I did. I knew that I could do it. I knew it, I knew it. I said I'd make a woman and succeed I did! Eliza, you're magnificent! Five minutes ago you were a millstone 'round my neck and now you're a tower of strength, a consort battleship! I like you this way.

ELIZA: Goodbye, Professor Higgins. You will not be seeing me again. (She exits.)

PROF HIGGINS: MOTHER! MOTHER! MOTHER!

MRS HIGGINS: What is it, Henry? What's happened?

PROF HIGGINS: She's gone.

MRS HIGGINS: Well of course, dear. What did you expect?

PROF HIGGINS: What am I to do?

MRS HIGGINS: Do without, I suppose.

PROF HIGGINS: And so I shall! If the Higgins oxygen burns up her little lungs, let her seek some stuffiness that suits her. She's an owl sickened by a few days of my sunshine. Let her go, I can do without her, I have my own soul. My own spark of divine fire! (He exits.)

MRS HIGGINS: Bravo, Eliza.